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It’s My Life…(Sigh)

I’m a woman trying to fit the lifestyle I want into my reality. My reality is dealing with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue & other co-conditions. I have a passion for a simpler life, my way. Always imagining ways to help others in need, sometimes being misunderstood & ridiculed for it.

Have always been an immensely private person that shows the world different sides of myself, keeping most inside showing no one. Has often caused misunderstandings, especially with governmental depts, my habit of hiding behind a mask of “it’s alright” doesn’t help. So I don’t want the “powers that be” to know what colour my underwear is?!

I’m not one of those “greenie-new age hippie-dope smoking-meditating-goddess earth believing people”, I just believe firmly in looking after our environment, our world in better ways than we are now.

Yes I’m a believer of Christ, but I’m not going to shove it down anyone’s throat & expect all to thump bibles &a swing from chandeliers. If that’s your thing – God Bless…..  I just want to be free to live my life the way I choose, to find my own path. It may not be your way, that’s YOUR path, but it will be right for me. I want to be free to help those I want in the way(s) I can without having to create or join groups/organisation. I’m not going to bad mouth what others believe (as long as it’s not causing harm) so don’t bad mouth mine. Yes I have grand ideas & no money to follow through, doesn’t most?!

I’m guilty of watching shows of where people in similar situations (&different ones) are given both the help they need & want to wonder why no one gives me that kind of hand-up while crying for joy for the person who got help. Yes I’m a contridiction – or 2 or 3……. And yes I have on occasion been blessed, but I seem to attract the negative & the nasties more often than not. I’ve even been ridiculed when trying to complain about peeping toms & mail stealers. It’s my life.

One of my BIGGEST regrets is moving into state housing here. It was the worst time of my life, even nearly dying didn’t hit me as hard as the treatment I received. Yes, I collected too much to up cycle! Yes, I wanted to make it a better place to live. Yes, I did everything by the book. Yes, I received a lot of promises both govt & private. No, they were NOT fulfilled. It is the first time I have felt entirely alone. It really was like the little guy against Big Brother (no not the show!). I was constantly told that the things that were relevant to me, like a house contanimated with mold BEFORE I moved in, people stealing my mail, stealing kids bikes, coming into my yard in the middle of the night & peeping in my windows, my teenage children (except my second eldest) rebelling & refusing to do anything, even go to school, dealing with bullying in school, dealing with health issues for all of us, being forced to admit govt workers into the home, being emotionally & mentally bullied, tormented & blackmailed to sign/do what they want, having to go through court alone because I didn’t have the money for lawyers, not knowing there was free ones available, being spoken to & treated like dirt by judges & the “ice queen” govt representative who just wanted the result to move up (the woman NEVER smiled ever until she knew she’d won), I was made to feel like I didn’t matter, that what I was saying was emotional untruths because the “govt worker” couldn’t possibly fudge & stretch the truth -even when I caught her out in a bold faced lie in front of the judge. The go ts idea of help was to draw pie charts!!! In the end my reputation has been ruined, I have lost more than half my belongings (cause nobody would help me move them except a friend in more pain than me!), I am in debt with nothing but a bad credit rating to show for it! Consequently I’m still trying to deal with the debt (to the govt!) cannot work because both the mold, the experience & the stress (still ongoing stress) has caused my health to take a nose dive in a dramatic way. I moved into the country & have hardly anything to do with the kids because my town is too sleepy & too far for them. The only one that still lives with me is the most difficult to deal with (21 yrs old too!) & causes a lot more stress on top as all the organisations & doctors expect me to “fix” him & do everything for him. All his debt is in my name, adding to my bad ratings. Oh & everyone keeps telling me it’s in the past (it’s only been a year this month!), like I’m supposed to just bow & say so sorry all my fault just flog me while your at it.  The only things keeping me sane at the moment are my three dogs! Which family keep trying to get me to get rid of – HELL to the NO! And they wonder why I’ve pretty much climbed under the blankets & stayed this year!

I have emotionally buried my head in the sand as reality is just too harsh right now & I would rather focus on something positive, instead of the downhill ride I seem to be on. Oh I get a lot of encouraging back patting emotional & physical, but that doesn’t pay the bills, put food on the table, get me out financial strife, etc, etc.  I tried gofundme, affiliate, searched high & low for “something” to no avail.  Oh I don’t expect constant handouts, I am forever researching looking for ways to improve my health, earn money within my parameters & exceeding my parameters, find the best way for me to live, etc so that I can be self funded, sustainable in all things & so on & so forth.

That is how I came to learn and desire a tiny home & a simpler life. I have sketched out in my own mind what I need to support myself my dogs, any of my children willing to live my lifestyle within my rules (I’m not going to pick up after them anymore hence my rules), help those I can & wish to help in ways that will be of benefit to all. It will be most likely not permissible due to red tape & being off grid all the way! I have worked out ways to support myself as minimally as possible (money wise) but probably won’t be permitted because no big company or govt gets any money out of it. I haven’t told ANYONE all the the details just broad spectrum ones as I am constantly being shot down emotionally & being told I can’t do it, not that it can’t be done BUT that I CAN’T do it.

My biggest set back is financial, I have been blessed with a good caravan, yes it needs work, but it structurally sound. BUT all avenues I have looked into to collect has gone no where unless I am prepared to spend hundreds of dollars I don’t have. For ANY of it to work I need land, at least 5 acres I reckon, no further than 2 & a half hours from Perth. South of Perth somewhere as my year in Southern Cross has proven I cannot handle the heat AT ALL! The more land the more people I could help, even temporarily. As I said I tried gofundme for $8,000 just for building a tiny house on wheels, to which I received one donation of $50-, the lady who donated would give more if she could but why should she be the only one. Like I said I don’t want continuous hand-outs, just a hand-up! Yes, there is a difference. I have stated on many occasions that I would be more than willing to enter a vendor’s financial arrangement for the land, bus, etc. but nothing. If I am having this much trouble for such small amounts how would I get enough to buy acres & acres of beautiful land to which I have seen advertised on Gumtree here in Perth, Australia. Plus an organisation I know & love that works with youth is fundraising big time to buy their homestead. We kind of run in similar circles, have similar goal, ideas, etc an organisation I would gladly volunteer for if it was possible, so I cringe at trying to push too hard when they need it more.

One of the reasons I have kept my plans/ideas to myself is that the last time I told someone who I was petitioning for support (along with others) they decided to just take our ideas for themselves instead. Now I don’t mind brainstorming ideas for others, I do it all the time just don’t tell anyone, but I do mind when my ideas are blatantly taken.

I haven’t posted much as I haven’t had much positive to post, so just didn’t. But when I got started it sort of regurgitated onto the page. I have to stop now as my hand is in agony literally.

Thankyou for your patience & for listening. Don’t like to whine but it has been building up for so long it was inevitable I guess (sighs dramatically while rolling eyes at self mentally).

Cheers,

D

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