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Ouch!

Have had problems with my health issues escalating of late.  While this place I am in currently does not have nearly as much mold in it as the government house previously, there’s still enough to cause problems. Just been put on antibiotics because of a reoccurring problem with my throat and ears. My bed is two old mattresses, one on top of the other, that hurts! So I have a lot of lower back and hip pain lately and my special pillow for neck is now too old to do any good. #sigh#

It is getting more and more telling that my plans for better health needs to come sooner rather than later. Also the realisation that the funds that hopefully will be raised through my go fund me will also have to cover new mattresses and foam, that is one of the things that cannot be recycled. I haven’t been blogging much lately, something that will have to change. But I have been doing a lot more research into my health and ways to overcome and manage it better. I’m also researching and watching a lot of videos, etc on building mobile homes and renovating them too. I have also been curious as to converting to electric running cars and buses. Wondering at the expense of it verses the benefits and downfalls. Not sure if they can be recharged with solar, hope so or it’s not worth it unless it’s a hybrid. A hybrid would probably be better if we plan to travel. Don’t want to get stuck unable to charge the engine. Another concern would be it’s weight and towing capacity. In Australia I believe it’s the GVM, Gross Vehicle Mass. My daughter would love for us to be able to travel with it and who knows maybe we could do something like that as part of raising the awareness of what H4Y ( #Homestead for Youth ) do and how they help our youth in need, also how we as the general public can help them continue their work for many years to come.  One of the reasons for choosing to change my lifestyle is so that I can do this sort of work, more in the background of planning fundraising and events, etc.. Maybe help to look into programs and other ‘projects’ that the students can be involved in to help themselves. For example the ones that live onsite could work with their housemates and house parents to grow food for themselves, maybe run a farm gate shop for the excess to get a bit of pocket money. Instilling pride in themselves and that hard work can bring rewards, great and small.  So many ideas running around in my head. Some I pass on some I don’t as for one, not all are suitable straight away, some need time to establish. For another I would hate for anyone to think I am trying to take over or step on toes. I’m just the kind of person that gets so so so many ideas and what ifs flowing through my brain at a daily basis that I would love to share not because I know better,  just because it’s an idea that may or may not work. Where I need to work on myself is to know when and what to share and to whom. There are some things that I am really passionate about and when I am passionate I focus on those not always a great way to be, especially with my health and physical issues. It has caused a lot of conflict in the past.  Unfortunately not everyone is as supportive as they believe themselves to be. I’ve been unfortunate in the past to have a lot of verbal support in things and verbal offers of help for things I wish to do but cannot do alone or in the execution of it, just the planning.  But when push comes to shove they’re suddenly backing out (usually at the very last minute too!!!), doesn’t cause them any problems to do so but causes me a lot of problems. I understand that circumstances can change, etc, but these particular ones I’m thinking of “couldn’t be bothered” their words exactly by the way. A good half of the reasons I am in the situation I am in is because of that. I do NOT remove myself from blame completely, I know where I am at fault and am paying for it one hundred percent!!! It is hard to put things in the past when the same situations keep happening and I keep having pay the price alone. Little sick of being told to turn the other cheek frankly. Especially when the next breath all my faults are then listed. Also hard to put it in the past when you are continually having to foot the bill financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Each time I fight hard that a little more of me doesn’t die. It’s definitely made me a tad more cynical and less likely to trust a person’s word. Maybe that is why I have invested so much of myself into future plans of heavy involvement with groups like H4Y?! The need to see some good in humanity, when I see so much bad. I no longer watch news programs as all I see depresses anybody. Whenever a cause catches my eye and I cannot help financially I ask ‘is there any other way I can help?’. I often question myself as to why I chose to start a go fund me account. In truth the final number should be higher than $8,000- but I have serious doubts as to whether or not people are willing to give even $5-.  Not good when I am the one asking. The joy and happiness I felt when a friend donated $50- the first weekend was shocking that’s when it hit me that I had serious doubts as to it succeeding. Made me realise that I was subconsciously hoping to have my doubts proven wrong. So far they haven’t….but the future is ever changing. Watch this space to see what happens next. Honestly nothing would delight me more than to be proven wrong.

 

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